It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager, featuring updates from people who had their letters answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.
1. “I forgive you” in a professional situation
I was able to engage with the commentariat on the day my question was published, and one person guessed correctly what I had said. My remark was that I was “glad they got the guy,” meaning I was happy the perpetrator was caught, but the student interpreted it as I was happy the police officer was shot, which was absolutely not what I meant.
I took your advice and let it go. I saw the student a couple of months later when he was in another of my classes. I had planned to greet him and say it was good to see him during the first class, but he beat me to the punch. He entered the room and said, “It’s good to see you again.”
I worked with him one-on-one several times during the term, and he was delightful. In class, he also discussed his faith, which is very strong and which explains his response about forgiving me — because that is how he approaches things. I had another student who sent me an email beginning with what was essentially a confession, so these students approach a lot of situations in a certain way because they are very involved with their religion.
The class was successful overall, and I’m glad I didn’t blow his comment about forgiving me up into a bigger deal. Thank you for your advice!
2. Explaining mood changes without oversharing
I can’t believe it’s already been eight months since I submitted my question! I’ve had one distinct and prolonged mood downswing since then, and you were absolutely right: nobody noticed. I leaned on my organizational skills to ensure I didn’t fall behind on anything, saved my forced happy face for times that it was absolutely necessary, and kept myself centered until things turned around again. When necessary, I deployed the “I’m a little more tired than usual” deflection, and folks generally just commiserated and moved on.
I’ve even begun cultivating a reputation amongst the rest of the larger project team as The Friendly Face of my (notoriously taciturn) team and have had a few people randomly reach out to me for work help and advice, which is fantastic.
Thank you for thoughtfully answering my question. Living with a mood disorder can make me forget that everybody has up and down days, and nobody is putting my mood shifts under a microscope. Letting myself be a little withdrawn lets me save my limited energy for getting through the minimum amount of necessary tasks, and, paradoxically, accepting my “down” moods as a fact of life makes them easier to bear and less likely to spill out into my interactions.
3. How can I make our new executive director understand that they’re alienating everyone?
The update is both anticlimactic and oddly satisfying.
I never went to the board. Partly because life got busy, partly because I could tell the board was MIA anyway, and partly because I think I already knew what the real answer was: sometimes you can’t fix the thing, and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is stop trying.
What I did instead was slowly, quietly reduce my involvement. No dramatic exit, no final showdown. Just a gradual loosening of the grip. And honestly? It’s been really freeing.
Today is actually my official last day in a leadership role with the organization. The chief of staff is running things now — doing her best, I think, but not accepting much help from anyone (I offered over, and over, and over again). As for the ED, I genuinely cannot tell you the last time I heard from them directly or as part of a group at the org.
I still believe in the mission. I’m still helping in a very small way with a few things, because the people the organization serves deserve that. But I’ve made peace with the fact that loving a mission doesn’t mean you have to love the organization running it, and it definitely doesn’t mean you have to set yourself on fire to keep it warm.
4. Informing clients about an upcoming medical leave
First off, thanks so much for the phrasing you suggested and thanks to the commenters for all their validation. It helped me feel confident communicating this to my clients and it was very effective. My clients were very understanding and I got many supportive emails back. Nobody asked any inappropriate questions.
The surgery went very well. Recovery is taking longer than expected and planned, which is frustrating, but I can mostly work around it. I went back to work on my scheduled date. Despite the email, some clients still asked me to do work during my medical leave, but to be honest, recovery is boring, so I did accept some work during it.
I am looking forward to being fully well again, but in the meantime, I have learned that, perhaps obviously, my clients are all very nice people and very willing to work with my schedule. Thanks again!
