It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager, featuring updates from people who had their letters answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.
1. My boss asked the life expectancy of my terminally ill father
My father died five weeks after you published my email (published on a day I happened to be traveling for work — so despite it all, I still managed in that time to fly to a client negotiation). It turned out I never had to deal much more with the intrusive questions and issues from the boss as I didn’t end up getting to take off as many times as I’d thought. Based on how he was doing, I had hoped and believed my dad would have had more time. A week before my father died, I took three days off and went home planning to mostly visit, but his condition significantly deteriorated right when I arrived so I ended up staying a week, in part out of pure 24/7 caretaking necessity. I took the next week off after he passed, as I was so burned out I wasn’t capable of working.
Back at work for a little over a week now and while no one gave me flack for being off, I am so discouraged at the overall response. Or lack of response really. I can count on one hand a few kind coworkers who reached out with thoughtful messages (none of them management level). The vast majority of people I work with haven’t offered condolences or any acknowledgement.* Nary a word from the “big” boss (who used to be my boss before his promotion). Yes, all these people were notified. One coworker today offered me his condolences at the end of a call I made to him, which felt like an afterthought on his part, and literally said, “I’m glad he’s at peace now.” I never talked to this person about my dad’s illness. Pretty sure Dad would rather be alive.
I don’t know if this is how most people are these days and my standards for etiquette are too high, or if I’m just unlucky in my coworkers and management. My practice is to always send condolences to anyone I work with (or interact with more than once in any context!), and privately and separately — not as an afterthought added to a business call or email. My dad’s job he retired from 10 years ago sent flowers to the gravesite. Several of my mom’s coworkers from her job she retired from seven years ago came to the service. And I get crickets from most of the people I work with right now. One could say I shouldn’t be hurt by self-absorbed coworkers, but I’m struggling so much right now to be motivated to do my work. Needless to say, I am actively looking.
*To anyone who doesn’t reach out because they are afraid of reminding the person of their loss or don’t know what to say: (1) They haven’t forgotten their loss. But they may not want to be put on the spot during a business meeting and potentially become unexpectedly emotional in a professional setting. This is why you offer condolences privately. And (2) Don’t know what to say? It’s hard to go wrong with “I heard about [X] and want you to know I’m so sorry and am thinking about/praying for you. No need to respond but if you want to talk I’m here.” Copy, paste.
2. Asking about AI in an interview
I was the one who wrote in asking about a company’s AI use in an interview. You were very kind to say my wording was great, and I felt empowered going into the interview. The hiring manager’s response was, if I recall correctly, that the company wasn’t in the habit of using or embracing gen-AI at that time, but they weren’t opposed to AI tools for administrative tasks. She wasn’t put off by the question at all, which I feel fortunate about. I’m really delighted to say that I got that job, and I’ve been there ever since!
Obviously, AI use has only increased in the last few years, and the discourse around it has increased even more. In the last year, my company has issued statements and become a bit known in our industry for being vehemently anti-generative AI, while the rest of the industry is aggressively adopting it.
This is a minor update to an unimportant question, but I do want to use this chance to say that if you are against generative AI but everyone around you is telling you “it’s here, just get used to it,” you really don’t have to. You’re far from the only one against it, and there are places that will refuse to use it in creative processes. It’s only inevitable if people allow it to be.
3. My coworker keeps insisting I must speak Spanish
I had a proper sit-down with the department head and had a talk about the situation and it stopped immediately.
4. My job is really flexible but it also sucks — is it time to go?
As it’s a whole year later, I wanted to provide an update!
I must have known subconsciously something was up — about a week after you posted your response, I got laid off, and I think it makes total sense. The scope of my role didn’t make sense anymore, and I think they wanted someone local.
Some of the freedoms I enjoyed while working there, upon reflection, were probably mostly due to some deeply entrenched disorganization at that office. A few weeks after they laid me off, the new manager called me in a panic because no one could figure out how to submit the quarterly report I’d been in charge of. They paid me a consultation rate for the couple of hours I spent helping them, which I appreciated. Also, I had asked during my layoff call if they would send me a shipping label to return my laptop. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that they finally reached out to figure out those logistics.
I am still in touch with my old managers who had left before I did, and it’s only after a ton of hindsight that I was able to see how dysfunctional that old office was. Getting laid off was honestly a relief after all that back and forth, and it allowed me to stay on unemployment while I looked for a new role. It took me the full six months to find something, so I’m doubly glad for it — as opposed to applying out while white-knuckling it at the old place for those six months.
I got hired by another organization back in September, and I’m much happier here. It pays just a bit more, fits closer to my skillset, and very notably, is still pretty flexible. I am completely WFH, can run an errand or two during the day so long as I let the team know, and I don’t even have Teams or Outlook on my phone. I’m also not the only person in my role, the company itself is much larger with more safeguards and clearer lines of report.
So: a happy ending for all! Those six months of unemployment were tough, but I’d take it over still working at my “unicorn” job.
5. The yoga studio where I teach hasn’t been paying me on time
I’m the yoga teacher who didn’t get paid for 21 classes. The comments were great, specifically one that pointed out that the gym owners wouldn’t let someone take classes without paying.
It turns out the owner did have a medical issue and was out for a month or so, but the other manager didn’t step in to pay — though that was the person who managed the yoga teachers and was my contact. I did say that I needed to be paid or I wouldn’t teach moving forward. They ended up paying me for all my classes and I requested to be put on their payroll. All the trainers are on payroll, but the yoga teachers were not. It turned out the other yoga teacher hadn’t been paid either and she thanked me for speaking up.
All is well. Not sure how long I’ll stay there, but I’m okay so long as I’m getting paid. Thank you for the great advice!
